What does a feminist look like? When someone says the word, what is the image that your mind conjures? A Birkenstock wearing, bra-less, boho chick with a book by Gloria Steinem under her arm? There's nothing wrong with that - of course not. There's also nothing wrong with the feminist who wears lipstick and patent leather stilettos. They exist! I may be one of them.
The truth is, part of being a woman is the conundrum of balancing our femininity with our desire to be treated equally in society. Sexism still exists - it may not be as pronounced as it was in the 1950s, but it is more subversive. Women are still objectified in advertisements, pornography, and Hollywood. It's difficult to be taken seriously nowadays if you like dresses and ruffles. Men still think it's OK to whistle and catcall to women that they do not know. What's even worse, is that women sometimes encourage the behavior and are flattered by it. My friends and I were at a bar recently, and a young man walked past us, and felt it was his privilege to touch us on our buttocks as he went by. He was stunned when I called him out in public. Perhaps he had gotten away with it many times before.
That's not to say I dislike men; I love men. I am married to a phenomenal man who treats me with respect, and understands that I am independent and opinionated. He doesn't feel threatened by that. I worked with a man once who told me that "an independent woman is unattractive." Really? I certainly can appreciate the gentlemanly desire to care for and lovingly protect a woman, and I am not necessarily turned off by that. I AM turned off by men who assume that I NEED that protection. A man that can give me the space that I need to pursue my ambitions and support them is very masculine, because he is secure. My husband realizes that my desire to be successful is not emasculating to him. I also am secure enough to let him open doors for me.
It really bothers me that young women are beginning to turn to a culture of superficiality. I have heard about pre-teen girls posting videos on YouTube asking viewers whether they are "pretty" or not. Having a daughter myself, I worry about this. Not only because of the potential for predatory behavior (YouTube needs filters and controls, who's with me here?), but what this says about our culture. In her book, "Quiet", Susan Cain explains how society has moved away from a culture of character, into a culture of personality and superficiality. Our opinions of ourselves are dictated by how others perceive us. How damaging this is! It is ironic that we, as women, have made so many strides toward equality in the workplace over the past 30 years, yet we care more about if others like us. I've been guilty of that, in my younger years. Thankfully, that matters much less as I age.
But, back to my main point. Since when did I have to quit being "girly" to be a feminist? I am an unabashed admirer of fashion and beauty, in its many forms. I work in the beauty industry. I love helping women, and men, feel great about themselves. I also enjoy being an Oriental (Belly) dancer. One of the most rewarding things in my life has been teaching women how to control their muscles, fat, and limbs to become one with the music. I also love a great burlesque show. See, to me there's a difference in a woman who knows that she is being comical, confident, and sexy in an intentional way rather than a woman who has been beaten into thinking that her body is the only thing she has of value to offer. I know when I get on stage, and I am putting on my glitter, I am not thinking about stealing anyone's husband, or the attention I am getting from men. I am thinking about how I go into a "zen bubble" when I dance, and how free I feel. I do it for me, and for the ladies - for that teenage girl who is self-conscious about the little bit of belly she has, and who feels she's clumsy and awkward. For the mom who has stretch-marks and roomy hips, and for the grandmother with her wrinkles. It's OK to feel pretty.
I DO have a real problem with objectification. I have a problem with women being brain-washed into thinking they have to be a 00. Women turning into Fiats, bottles of beer, I could go on and on...Jean Kilbourne's excellent "Killing Us Softly" series is a fine example of how the media influences us. I was an unwitting victim of this when I found myself in the check-out line with a box of Magnums (ice-cream bars, not condoms). Those racy ads featuring Rachel Bilson had sunk in more than I realized. Although the ice cream is good, the pseudo-sexual image of a beautiful young woman salivating over a phallic shaped ice cream novelty is just another example of targeted advertising. Sure, it's successful, but at what cost? I am not a prude, by any stretch of the imagination. But, the mystery of sex is gone. Where do we go from here? Sex sells; always has, always will. But, I would rather innuendo than soft-core porn in my ads. "Save some for later, Augustus!"
I worry about our young women, especially if they are confused about their sexuality and their place in this world. We owe it to the giants of our history - the Elizabeth Stantons, the Eleanor Roosevelts, and the Marie Curies, to do better. We have to...otherwise we will regress into self-imposed misogyny. Think of fat-shaming, slut-shaming and thin-shaming; these are things that we women do to one another. And this time, we won't be able to blame it all on the patriarchs, because we will have become willing participants in our own downfall. It doesn't matter if you wear overalls, a frilly dress, or a bikini. Be yourself - be a woman. Whether lesbian, straight, transgender or bi, let's try to not hate on our sex. We've worked really hard to get here. Don't take it for granted.
Photo: Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons
