I'm From Missouri

One of my best friends and I recently went to Vegas for our birthday weekend.  One of the most unique cities in our nation, Las Vegas is one of the few places you can go where you can be assured that almost all of the people around you are tourists themselves.  And that's where it gets interesting.

I met people from all over the world - New York, California, China, and France.  It was fun making small-talk with all of them - even the German guy who didn't share any of his chips with me when I kept shooting 9's for him at the craps table. No hard feelings, dude. We're cool.

So, the one common element that kept emerging was this simple question: "Where are you from?"

I would proudly say, "Missouri!"

I would get one of two responses - A pause, with a vacant look, and "Where is that?" or "Really?" with a surprised look.  I guess this one came from the fact that I had teeth and shoes with soles.

I don't like generalizations, so I won't make them in turn. But I did get the feeling that I was experiencing Flyover Country-itis. I would find myself describing the location of Missouri on the map - basically saying that it was right in the middle of the country. Most people thought it was closer to Minnesota or Wisconsin. A few times, the mention of Branson would bring them around. I avoided mentioning Todd Akin.

 Even when I did hit it lucky, they thought I was from St. Louis or Kansas City - as those are the only two cities in Missouri. I was fine with that - they're great cities, and at least they were in the same state and country.

I love big cities and their people, I really do. Everyone was nice, and no one was hostile. I do wish they had paid a bit more attention in geography class, but that's fine. Do I ever think the people I talked to will visit our state? Probably not. So, if you are from somewhere else and you are curious about Missouri, here are some factoids and things I personally love about being a Missouri girl:

*We are the birthplace of Harry S. Truman
*Mark Twain was from Hannibal, MO.
*The St. Louis Cardinals.
*Many actors have called MO home - Brad Pitt, Steve McQueen, and Kathleen Turner to name a few.

Here, you can experience a crisp Fall evening - warming your hands at a bonfire and telling ghost stories about the Joplin spooklight. Fall in Missouri is spectacular - the trees turn to crimson, gold, and blazing orange almost overnight. You can float down a river at your leisure, a drink in your hand and nothing on your mind but the whirr of tree frogs and crickets. You can hunt for fireflies at dusk, and go to barbecues where we drink sweet tea and eat fried chicken. We are the perfect combination of Southern hospitality and hard-working Midwestern values. We say "excuse me," and "thank-you."
We are more cosmopolitan and sophisticated than we get credit for.

My Back Yard

We still have General Stores and bait and tackle shops. Driving down Old Route 66, you will see these things, in small towns that have only one street. You will see the shadow of clouds racing across fields of fescue, wheat, and corn. You will smell lilacs and freshly-mown clover in the Spring. When you DO fly over us, look down - you will never see a more beautiful patchwork quilt.

We tend to be skeptical of people who talk a big game. This probably comes from the fact that we were a Border state in the Civil War, and there were many betrayals and feuds in our history. You have to show us, not tell us. That's how we got our nickname. Sometimes we are set in our ways, and we like things predictable. We can get a little comfortable, so change comes slowly - but it comes. And when we want something, we work damn hard to make it happen. The mule is our mascot.

There are many things I love about my state. I get tempted by the siren call of the big city at times - and get frustrated by misogynist politicians, slow-moving social change, and the sometimes close-minded attitudes of my fellow Southwest Missourians. But, even still - I remain. I love the seasons. I love the sweet smell as I follow a hay truck down a gravel road, and sledding down a snowy hill in the wintertime.

Bright lights and fancy hotels will never take the place of my Missouri. She's home.

How Awkward

We all have them. Those moments when you want to pull your coat over your head, and lurch off like Quasimodo. Sure, you may have been blessed with a charismatic personality and good looks, but I am still willing to bet that you've had toilet-paper stuck to your shoe at least once. Now, even the most self-assured are serving up their embarrassing moments - from Olivia Wilde admitting her geekdom to Jane Lynch farting on "Glee," awkward is the new black. I have experienced many of these moments, and have learned it's best to laugh. And then hide.

1. Right Text, Wrong Person, and the Auto-Correct Fail.

There is an entire website dedicated to this. Accidental texts run the gamut from the "blqytuiuipos" butt text to your boss, to the sext meant for your boyfriend that gets sent to your mom. Most of these are just funny. But sometimes, you are venting to a friend about another friend, and get confused about which one you are talking to. This one is bad. One should never use technology to talk about other people on your favorites list.  Do so at your own risk!

2. Hugs Gone Wrong

Hugs are a socially acceptable form of greeting someone, right? Well...maybe. Most of the time, hugs go well.  But, when they go wrong it is so, so BAD. You might come in too fast, and bump heads. Maybe the person doesn't like you and doesn't hug back. Or maybe you like them, but you forget to hug back, and now you feel bad. How do you apologize for that one? "Hey man, I'm sorry I forgot to hug you back. Arms aren't working today." Yeah. Don't. When in doubt, go for the Pentecostal Side-Hug. For those of you NOT from the Bible-belt, this is the hug that church people do. You hug from the side, squeezing just around the shoulders, similar to when Can-Can girls get ready to do the leg-kick thing. This minimizes the contact zone, and keeps your thoughts chaste in the process. Gotta leave room for God in the middle. 

3. Falling in Public
 Here's the thing: if you're clumsy, this is gonna happen, over and over again for the rest of your life. Get up as quickly as possible, looking around and smiling as if you did it on purpose. If you're really feeling chipper, and know nothing is broken, do a quick mid-air heel click. That'll make them think you were just rehearsing for "Singing in the Rain." Try to ignore the blood. I once lost an entire toenail in the grocery store. I kept smiling. Send in the Clowns, baby.

4. Shopping Mishaps

Mostly there are two things that happen when the socially awkward shop. The first is not seeing anything you want to buy at a boutique, yet feeling bad about not making a purchase. This is coupled with the fear that people will think you stole something. So, with crazy darting eyes and body-language  like Snidely Whiplash, you creep out, hoping the sensors don't go off. Now, you are so worked up and concerned that the security guard is right behind you on his Segway, that you have forgotten where you parked. Yep. Fake it, as getting frantic will add to your aura of guilt. Hold that head up and walk with confidence. You'll find your car eventually, right? You may even get lucky and fall in the parking lot.

5. Laughing at Inappropriate Times

Yeah...this is the thing I do the most. I am that person sitting by herself in the waiting room, laughing out loud and scaring people. All it takes is a random thought about something funny I watched or read to get me going again.Or I'm the only one laughing in a movie when everyone else is somber. Or someone is telling a really serious story in the background, and I am laughing at a stupid meme on the computer. Shopping carts rolling by themselves or the Head Crabs video will  make me bust a gut. What the hell is wrong with me. Moving on...

6. Reply All 
I really shouldn't have to explain this one much. But it's in the same vein as Number 1 up there. If you're gonna talk shit, probably best not to hit "reply all," mmmkay? Plus it makes you completely obnoxious, just like people who forward spam like: "SEND THIS TO TEN FRIENDS OR WHETTLE SEALS WILL CHEW YOUR EYELIDS OFF" Also, please stop using all-caps. And don't use Comic Sans for an obituary. People judge you for those things.

7. Those 3 Little Words

You hang up the phone, and all color drains from your face. You just told the principal at your daughter's school that you, gasp, love him. But you don't! You're so used to saying it to your husband, your mom, your cat. The dude is married. His wife works at the school. You have to go to open house in three days. Fuuuuu..... Disappear to Mexico. Now. 

8. Saying "Thank-You" when you get a ticket.

Why do we do this? Really?

9. Pretending You Know it All

This one is a recipe for disaster. It usually happens when you fall in love with someone. You are so anxious to impress them, that you fib about having already seen a movie, or about having read "Anna Karenina" or about being an opera singer. Normal people shouldn't lie. Socially awkward people definitely shouldn't, because the gods of humility will come after you, full-on like a linebacker. 

10. Snot. This one needs no explanation. 

The most ironic lesson I've learned from all of this humiliation is confidence. Being the biggest dork in the bunch has made me own my humanity and be OK with my many failures. We all screw up. Owning up to your mistakes, and realizing that most of the time, no one even noticed in the first place is really a gift. The best thing you can do is to shake it off, get up... and run to the closest costume shop to buy a mask. 

Things Men Don't Have to Deal With

 "I just don't understand!" 

Sometimes being a girl isn't all about pretty trinkets, ruffly dresses, and pastel coconut macaroons. It gets ugly. There are things we envy about you guys - things that you probably aren't even aware of. (NO, it isn't what you're thinking, so get your mind outta the gutter.) Mostly what we envy is what you DON'T have to deal with. This could get a little gross, so keep that in mind. 

1. Putting on Spanx and/or Tights, especially after a shower. 

I dried off.  REALLY WELL. I swear I did. Yet, I find myself contorting into all kinds of weird positions and breathing heavily and sweating. I tug, pull, twist, take it off, and do it all over again. I know I burn more calories in the 4 x 3 shower stall at the gym than I do during 30 minutes on the elliptical. Finally, success! All chub is put in its place, and I have a lean line in the mirror. And then I feel it. The waistband rollllllls back down over my belly, and I now have a nice muffin-top sitting on the waistline of my pencil skirt. Sexy. Start again.

2. Tampons on the Lam

OK - there are two categories of this. The first is when you are carrying them around before you need them for your womanly time. Every woman I know has had the embarrassing tampon moment. Usually it happens in front of men, of course! My last event was when I tripped up the stairs at my daughter's school, sending my purse flying. The contents were distributed at the feet of the confused male school janitor. One item was my birth-control pills, and the other was a tampon, which had magically migrated out of its oh-so-clever bright pink camouflage package. Why do tampons do this? Why do they turn on us? They are supposed to be a helpful invention. Yet, they strive to break free and show themselves to the world. Maybe they're just tired of being taken for granted.

Which brings me to the other scenario: The Missing Tampon. Dunh-Dunh-Dunh! (Scary suspenseful sound clip insert). TMT will happen to you eventually, trust me. You put it in, you know you did. But it isn't there anymore. Perhaps you had a few too many adult beverages the night before, and don't remember taking it out. But where did it go? Maybe it is stuck to the bottom of your shoe, or on the sidewalk somewhere, or even worse-maybe it has SOMEHOW migrated to your abdominal cavity. You are terrified to put another in, for fear of the dreaded Toxic Shock Syndrome. People die of that! You make a frantic call to your doctor. She tells you one of two things: it's still in there and she's gonna have to fetch it out, or you're stupid and you are wasting her time.(Not really, but that's how you feel.) Damn you, tampons.

Poor Eva

3. Boobs

We know you men love boobs. Boobs are great. They're a nice shape, they feed babies, they save the world. But did you know that they can really piss you off? Yes! Boobs CAN do that. For one thing, if you are well-endowed, they become a shelf that catches food. Not a week goes by that I don't spill some kind of food item on my girls. Usually someone else points it out. They also hurt sometimes, especially when you run without proper support, or you have too much salt and caffeine. They leak when you are breast-feeding, and finding a properly fitting bra is like finding the Holy Grail - elusive and expensive. The straps dig into your shoulders, and the underwire pokes out to stab you repeatedly. Don't even get me started on strapless bras and the quadra-boob. Also, finding a shirt that doesn't gap, but that fits you everywhere else is fun, only the opposite. I know that some men have moobs - perhaps these are the men who can sympathize. Otherwise, you just don't get it. 

4. Back Fat

Enough said. Combine an ill-fitting bra and tights that continually roll down, and even the slimmest girl has this problem. 

5. THE YEARLY EXAM

I won't go into details here. I know guys have to do the bend-over-and-cough routine. But let me just say, the paper gown and sheet dance is no fun. There are scary instruments, cold hands, and antiseptic fragrance. And oven mitts. 

 I like being female, don't get me wrong. There are the ponytails and shoes, the trips to Sephora, and the excitement over wedding and baby showers. I like wearing dresses and skirts. But acting like a lady is hard work, and sometimes I just wanna burp in public, wear swishy pants, and not cross my legs.  

A Case of the "Hads"

One of the best rules I have made for myself as a writer is to read my words aloud. It's the only way I catch errors in syntax and grammar. For some reason, my eyes go squirrely after looking at line upon line of TNR, and I just can't see my mistakes. But I can HEAR them, and they are LOUD.

I'm having one of those mornings where I feel like a terrible writer.

Last night, I wrote a scene that I was very happy with. And this morning, I am reading it, and discovering I had a case of the hads. There, I even wrote it in that sentence! My characters "had" done a lot of things. That word was unnecessary and distracting, most of the time.

The problem with writing Historical fiction, is that everything that happens in your book happened in the past. This novel is a polyphonic narrative, so there are a few voices telling the story. This can be a pitfall - and I am discovering that while it is an engaging way to tell a story, it is not the easiest path.

So today, I am enabling my software to highlight the word "had" whenever I use it.  Do you have words you stumble over in your revisions? Sometimes it takes another reader to see overuse of common words, like "she," "very," and the names of your characters on repeat - another reason to get feedback and critiques.

While I do believe that getting the first draft down and going back to edit later is the most effective way to finish a book, catching yourself making these kinds of mistakes early-on will save you time in your revisions later.

Shake It Out

"And every demon wants his pound of flesh. But I like to keep some things to myself. I like to keep my issues drawn. It's always darkest before the dawn." Florence Welch


Sometimes you hit the doldrums. Creative people face this a lot - we tend to be mercurial, running hot and cold with equal fervor. Some nights, I can pound out 5,000 words in what seems like an hour, only realizing that it is 4:00 AM when I finally hit "save" on my MS Word toolbar.  Other nights it's a struggle to get 500 words out.  I plod through, and usually end up deleting most of what I have written during my revisions.


It's during those times that you have to truly believe in what you're doing - whether you are a painter, a photographer, a dancer or a poet. It's easy enough to believe that you were meant to do this insane thing called "creation" when it is flowing like liquid silver from your veins onto the paper. It's so much harder when you are staring at a blank screen and chugging a Monster as you hope, with sleep-deprived eyes, that the muse will appear, just for a bit. You can't depend on the muse. She's half nuts and she doesn't like you - not really.


Because in the end, it comes down to work and passion - with anything in life worth doing. How badly you want to succeed is in direct proportion to how hard you work.  My favorite Florence + the Machine song, "Shake it Out" describes the creative process, and its inherent frustrations, so perfectly. This is what I listen to when I get a rejection letter, my inbox remains empty after sending out queries, and my phone doesn't ring:

"And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope. It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat. Cause looking for Heaven, found the devil in me. But what the hell, I'm gonna let it happen to me."

5 Men You'll Meet at a Bar

Single girls, listen up. There are archetypes. Archetypes in literature (think the fairy-princess Cinderella story); archetypes in country music (dog, truck, Coors); and archetypes in film (girl meets bad boy, ignores nice boy - regret ensues.) There are also archetypical bar men. While I don't miss the dating scene, many of you are in it. Let me just say, I technically met my current husband in a bar - after being set up. He is not here, on this list. MOST decent boyfriends are not on this list, although there are exceptions! While sitting and discussing men with a single friend at a ballgame last night, the inspiration to write this blog emerged like a wisp of...something. If you are navigating the landscape of the Saturday night bar-scene, you will begin to see a pattern emerge.

1. The Douche Bag - DB for short.
DB is convinced that he is the hottest thing in Abercrombie and/or Hollister. He works out 6 days a week, with the 7th reserved for hangover recovery and tanning. He may be identified by his knowing smirk, and the  lift of his cleft chin when you walk in the door. Other monikers include: player, manwhore, ladies' man, and "triflin' good-for-nothin type of brother." Thank you Destiny's Child. You may be deemed "lucky" enough to be acknowledged by the DB if you look desperate and hot. DBs travel in packs - sometimes pairs, and they are always the loudest group at the bar. A good way to fend off the advances of the DB are to claim that your STD panels checked out THIS TIME, and you're ready to go! Since they have a horde gallivanting across their bedsheets, DBs are terrified of STDs. Don't make the mistake of thinking you're gonna change him. This guy has an attention span the length of his pinky finger.

2. Newly Divorced Guy
This guy can be recognized by his over-eager smile, his wardrobe that would've looked hot 15 years ago (when he last dated), and his brave attempts at clever conversation which fail - hard.
Some friends and I encountered NDG just a couple weeks ago. We had gone to see THAT movie, featuring a certain, ahem, dance revue.  We decided to pop into the pub for a beer afterward. NDG approached us, stealthily, from the side. Now, this takes moxie. Approaching a group of women is difficult - good for you dude. Then, it all quickly goes pear-shaped for him. "I just got divorced!" he says cheerily. Oh geez. Red-flag number one. Then he asks us (as there are 4 of us) - "Is this like Sex and the City?!" His perky comparison DOES give us a giggle. All women are SATC fans, pretty much. He takes this as a cue to RUN WITH IT, and starts trying to figure out "which" character we are. I make it easy for him, and say - "The bitchy one." We leave shortly after. I think he's still confused as to why.

3. The Wallflower
Ok, I was once in this category myself, so I have a tender place in my chest for the socially-awkward guy at a bar. Sometimes, young hipster boys fall into this category. It may appear to be sullenness or snobbery, but mostly it is just the inability to maintain eye-contact with someone of the female persuasion. Perhaps with some coaxing, WF COULD become good boyfriend material. He probably is there with a wing-man, against his will.  He may be dressed in an ironic t-shirt, or somewhat overdressed for the occasion - like an undertaker. If you are at a karaoke bar, he will sing something sweetly sentimental. Sounds pretty good, right? Bad news - this guy has potential stalker written all over him. He will send you poems by John Donne and flowers - EVERY DAY. Tread lightly here.

4. Married Guy
Ugh. They are so good at hiding it. They really are. I mean, what's the catch? This guy is good-looking, smart, likes kids, AND you find all of this out in the length of time you can finish your caramel appletini. If he's dumb, he tans, and you can see the marks of his wedding band (could also be a sign of NDG, but without the awkward convo starter). Most of them aren't that dumb. This is the biggest pitfall out there for a single girl. They have perfected the puppy-dog look, and your conversation sounds like something out of a blockbuster chick flick. That is, until his wife walks into your work with eyes like daggers and you figure out that you aren't a girlfriend, you're a mistress. If you're a mistress, you don't meet his friends, you don't go to public places, and he has two cell phones. If the dude wears pleated pants, be suspicious. Watch this guy - and always trust your gut. Being a home-wrecker isn't as sexy as it sounds - you're not Angelina Jolie, and there are lots of people who could be hurt here. As soon as you find out, ditch him like that pair of stilettos that look good, but kill your feet. Not worth it. Take it from one who knows, all too well.

5. The Bartender
Danger! The script for a successful bartender is:
a. Ability to mix a killer drink.
b.Ability to talk to anyone.
d. Flirting = tips. They are pros. Plus, they are in control of something you want: booze. It's not the first time they've seen a well-formed rack, honey. This guy is the "it" guy at the bar. Watch out! He may be cute, but he is well aware of that fact - in a self-effacing way which women find irresistible. 

That's the quick and dirty list of the typical breeds you will find at your local watering hole. While you may get lucky and find a nice, normal guy NOT listed in the DSM IV criteria at an establishment that serves Delirium Tremens, it's pretty rare. Please drink, and date, responsibly.

Poor: A Memoir

I was VERY poor as a child. There's an art to flipping over couch cushions and cutting open the ends of toothpaste tubes, but I've led a fairly charmed adult life, and only had to do the check-out line "dance of shame" a few times. (You know, where you have to choose the thing you need least from your would-be purchases, and have the cashier put it back.) Here, in no particular order, are the funniest and most poignant memories of my Appalachian childhood - and that's not really an exaggeration, since my dad was born in Tennessee:

1. Speaking of the check-out lane, you haven't lived poor unless you or your mom had to RIIIIP!!! the food-stamps out of the booklet in front of God and everyone. Now, if you've got the nifty EBT card, that's great! It spares you some of the dirty looks and judgment. I was well-fed as a child because of the US government. I am thankful for that every day of my life, and I certainly don't take the fact that I can afford to feed my child without food-stamps for granted. I would if I had to, you better believe it.

2. Gov'ment Cheese. Yes, it exists. It is as yellow-orange as a caution cone, and goes perfectly well with gov'ment pork in a can. Once a month, we'd line up outside a church on the West side of town and wait for our box of goodies. Who knows what was in that meat? Maybe Jimmy Hoffa. The Jimmy Hoffa meat-grinding scare was a big deal in the late 70's. I didn't know what the hell my mom was talking about - I just wanted a burger. I'm also pretty sure I've eaten enough preservative-laden foods in my lifetime I doubt they'll have to embalm me.

3. Shopping at Wal-Mart was SPECIAL.  We got our clothes from one of two places as kids - Grand Oak Mission, or Wal-Mart. (There was that one year we got our back-to-school clothes at Venture. I felt like Princess Di shopping at Harrod's.) We got the Social Security check at the beginning of the month. That was Wal-Mart day. Boy, we felt rich! We felt like the luckiest kids on earth, in fact. We could maybe get a Malibu Barbie or some new shoes. Never both!  My mom would ask the sales girl if they carried "husky" sized jeans for us, because she could afford to buy them. Husky! No, they didn't. No fat girl jeans at Wal-Mart.

4. I learned how to thrift shop from being poor. We got some GREAT things at the Mission. Like my super awesome 70's disco jumpsuit. Chubby girls shouldn't wear onesies. That didn't stop me! We could stuff an entire trash bag full of donated clothing, and it only cost a couple dollars. My favorite part of the Mission was the free magazines and books. I got lots of Readers' Digests there. Our biggest fear was seeing someone we knew from school at the Mission. Then logic clicked in, just like it does for every guy who has ever been to a strip club and worried about someone from work being there. "Hey asshole, you're here too! I got your back! Shhhh!"

5. 5-Gallon buckets are good for many things. Here is a list!
a. Catching water from your leaking roof that your dad never could fix right.
b. Flushing the toilet when the pipes freeze.
c. For cleaning fish after a day at the lake.
d. Puke bucket!
e. Ummm...emergency toilet.
f. Carrying ashes from our ancient Ben Franklin stove.
g. All this and MORE.

 6. The Joy of a Welfare Christmas. Yes, it IS real. THIS is what you got:

7. Yard Cars.  If you do not know what this is, then I'm sorry, you're missing out! These fine pieces of equipment once ran, but have suffered the fate of a blown motor or locked transmission. It costs more $$ to haul them to the salvage yard than you have in your pocket...thus, the phenomenon. A yard car is convenient storage, a way to keep your grass from growing in strategic areas of your yard, and a handy platform when you are grilling or having people over. Doubles as seating. We had at least two or three at all times. Can also be used to chain a yard dog to. Gotta protect your shit that no one wants.

 26 Things I Have Learned:

a. Save money. You're only ever one paycheck away from poverty.
b. People don't mess with crazy. Act crazy, and no one bothers you.
c. OWN that homemade outfit, and wear it with a bullet bra and a hair-bow that looks like a paper towel.(I may have pictures.)
d. Stay away from Carnies.
e. Vacation Bible School is not the same as Summer Camp.
f. If you've got cash, spend it or save it in a coffee can. Don't trust the bank.
g. Do NOT take air-conditioning for granted. I never had it until I was 17.
h. If you throw your rotisserie chicken out with meat still on it, you are a wasteful, shameful person. There are three meals in that chicken!
i. Never blow-dry your hair when the generator is running. Overloads the circuit. (Generator was used A LOT at our house. We didn't have public utilities.)
j. Never underestimate the power of electrical tape, baking soda, and bleach. (Mends frayed cords and holds many things together, cleans your battery terminals on your car, fixes everything else-from poison ivy to anthrax.)
k. Never turn down an honest job. Especially nowadays.
l. Always check for head lice.
m. Perspective: Even if you are very poor, you are still better off than 90% of the people on this earth, because you live in a developed country without diseases like dysentery and polio. Thank the free clinics for that.
n. Be nice to your pets. Spay and neuter. Too many kittens are a problem when you're poor.
o. Give something back, and keep the karma wheel rolling.
p. Family reunions are always a crap shoot. Who is in jail this month?
q. Your brain is the most valuable thing you own, as well as your health. With those two tools, you can go anywhere, do anything.
r. Nothing hurts as much as gathering frozen sheets off the clothesline in January.
s. Every kid loves to play in mud puddles.
t. The library is free. Just don't forget to turn your books in.
u. I am not better than anyone else, and neither are you.
v. Take care of your teeth!
w. Our circumstances don't define us.
x.  Biscuits and gravy are damn good.
y. I want more for my child than I had, but I want her to be rich in love and compassion more than in THINGS and money.
z.  I am not a victim. I am not embarrassed by having been poor, and I am glad I learned the character-defining things that I needed to learn at a young age. Everything I have, while I am certainly not wealthy, I have worked hard for. I'll take that over a silver spoon, any day.