5 Men You'll Meet at a Bar

Single girls, listen up. There are archetypes. Archetypes in literature (think the fairy-princess Cinderella story); archetypes in country music (dog, truck, Coors); and archetypes in film (girl meets bad boy, ignores nice boy - regret ensues.) There are also archetypical bar men. While I don't miss the dating scene, many of you are in it. Let me just say, I technically met my current husband in a bar - after being set up. He is not here, on this list. MOST decent boyfriends are not on this list, although there are exceptions! While sitting and discussing men with a single friend at a ballgame last night, the inspiration to write this blog emerged like a wisp of...something. If you are navigating the landscape of the Saturday night bar-scene, you will begin to see a pattern emerge.

1. The Douche Bag - DB for short.
DB is convinced that he is the hottest thing in Abercrombie and/or Hollister. He works out 6 days a week, with the 7th reserved for hangover recovery and tanning. He may be identified by his knowing smirk, and the  lift of his cleft chin when you walk in the door. Other monikers include: player, manwhore, ladies' man, and "triflin' good-for-nothin type of brother." Thank you Destiny's Child. You may be deemed "lucky" enough to be acknowledged by the DB if you look desperate and hot. DBs travel in packs - sometimes pairs, and they are always the loudest group at the bar. A good way to fend off the advances of the DB are to claim that your STD panels checked out THIS TIME, and you're ready to go! Since they have a horde gallivanting across their bedsheets, DBs are terrified of STDs. Don't make the mistake of thinking you're gonna change him. This guy has an attention span the length of his pinky finger.

2. Newly Divorced Guy
This guy can be recognized by his over-eager smile, his wardrobe that would've looked hot 15 years ago (when he last dated), and his brave attempts at clever conversation which fail - hard.
Some friends and I encountered NDG just a couple weeks ago. We had gone to see THAT movie, featuring a certain, ahem, dance revue.  We decided to pop into the pub for a beer afterward. NDG approached us, stealthily, from the side. Now, this takes moxie. Approaching a group of women is difficult - good for you dude. Then, it all quickly goes pear-shaped for him. "I just got divorced!" he says cheerily. Oh geez. Red-flag number one. Then he asks us (as there are 4 of us) - "Is this like Sex and the City?!" His perky comparison DOES give us a giggle. All women are SATC fans, pretty much. He takes this as a cue to RUN WITH IT, and starts trying to figure out "which" character we are. I make it easy for him, and say - "The bitchy one." We leave shortly after. I think he's still confused as to why.

3. The Wallflower
Ok, I was once in this category myself, so I have a tender place in my chest for the socially-awkward guy at a bar. Sometimes, young hipster boys fall into this category. It may appear to be sullenness or snobbery, but mostly it is just the inability to maintain eye-contact with someone of the female persuasion. Perhaps with some coaxing, WF COULD become good boyfriend material. He probably is there with a wing-man, against his will.  He may be dressed in an ironic t-shirt, or somewhat overdressed for the occasion - like an undertaker. If you are at a karaoke bar, he will sing something sweetly sentimental. Sounds pretty good, right? Bad news - this guy has potential stalker written all over him. He will send you poems by John Donne and flowers - EVERY DAY. Tread lightly here.

4. Married Guy
Ugh. They are so good at hiding it. They really are. I mean, what's the catch? This guy is good-looking, smart, likes kids, AND you find all of this out in the length of time you can finish your caramel appletini. If he's dumb, he tans, and you can see the marks of his wedding band (could also be a sign of NDG, but without the awkward convo starter). Most of them aren't that dumb. This is the biggest pitfall out there for a single girl. They have perfected the puppy-dog look, and your conversation sounds like something out of a blockbuster chick flick. That is, until his wife walks into your work with eyes like daggers and you figure out that you aren't a girlfriend, you're a mistress. If you're a mistress, you don't meet his friends, you don't go to public places, and he has two cell phones. If the dude wears pleated pants, be suspicious. Watch this guy - and always trust your gut. Being a home-wrecker isn't as sexy as it sounds - you're not Angelina Jolie, and there are lots of people who could be hurt here. As soon as you find out, ditch him like that pair of stilettos that look good, but kill your feet. Not worth it. Take it from one who knows, all too well.

5. The Bartender
Danger! The script for a successful bartender is:
a. Ability to mix a killer drink.
b.Ability to talk to anyone.
d. Flirting = tips. They are pros. Plus, they are in control of something you want: booze. It's not the first time they've seen a well-formed rack, honey. This guy is the "it" guy at the bar. Watch out! He may be cute, but he is well aware of that fact - in a self-effacing way which women find irresistible. 

That's the quick and dirty list of the typical breeds you will find at your local watering hole. While you may get lucky and find a nice, normal guy NOT listed in the DSM IV criteria at an establishment that serves Delirium Tremens, it's pretty rare. Please drink, and date, responsibly.

Poor: A Memoir

I was VERY poor as a child. There's an art to flipping over couch cushions and cutting open the ends of toothpaste tubes, but I've led a fairly charmed adult life, and only had to do the check-out line "dance of shame" a few times. (You know, where you have to choose the thing you need least from your would-be purchases, and have the cashier put it back.) Here, in no particular order, are the funniest and most poignant memories of my Appalachian childhood - and that's not really an exaggeration, since my dad was born in Tennessee:

1. Speaking of the check-out lane, you haven't lived poor unless you or your mom had to RIIIIP!!! the food-stamps out of the booklet in front of God and everyone. Now, if you've got the nifty EBT card, that's great! It spares you some of the dirty looks and judgment. I was well-fed as a child because of the US government. I am thankful for that every day of my life, and I certainly don't take the fact that I can afford to feed my child without food-stamps for granted. I would if I had to, you better believe it.

2. Gov'ment Cheese. Yes, it exists. It is as yellow-orange as a caution cone, and goes perfectly well with gov'ment pork in a can. Once a month, we'd line up outside a church on the West side of town and wait for our box of goodies. Who knows what was in that meat? Maybe Jimmy Hoffa. The Jimmy Hoffa meat-grinding scare was a big deal in the late 70's. I didn't know what the hell my mom was talking about - I just wanted a burger. I'm also pretty sure I've eaten enough preservative-laden foods in my lifetime I doubt they'll have to embalm me.

3. Shopping at Wal-Mart was SPECIAL.  We got our clothes from one of two places as kids - Grand Oak Mission, or Wal-Mart. (There was that one year we got our back-to-school clothes at Venture. I felt like Princess Di shopping at Harrod's.) We got the Social Security check at the beginning of the month. That was Wal-Mart day. Boy, we felt rich! We felt like the luckiest kids on earth, in fact. We could maybe get a Malibu Barbie or some new shoes. Never both!  My mom would ask the sales girl if they carried "husky" sized jeans for us, because she could afford to buy them. Husky! No, they didn't. No fat girl jeans at Wal-Mart.

4. I learned how to thrift shop from being poor. We got some GREAT things at the Mission. Like my super awesome 70's disco jumpsuit. Chubby girls shouldn't wear onesies. That didn't stop me! We could stuff an entire trash bag full of donated clothing, and it only cost a couple dollars. My favorite part of the Mission was the free magazines and books. I got lots of Readers' Digests there. Our biggest fear was seeing someone we knew from school at the Mission. Then logic clicked in, just like it does for every guy who has ever been to a strip club and worried about someone from work being there. "Hey asshole, you're here too! I got your back! Shhhh!"

5. 5-Gallon buckets are good for many things. Here is a list!
a. Catching water from your leaking roof that your dad never could fix right.
b. Flushing the toilet when the pipes freeze.
c. For cleaning fish after a day at the lake.
d. Puke bucket!
e. Ummm...emergency toilet.
f. Carrying ashes from our ancient Ben Franklin stove.
g. All this and MORE.

 6. The Joy of a Welfare Christmas. Yes, it IS real. THIS is what you got:

7. Yard Cars.  If you do not know what this is, then I'm sorry, you're missing out! These fine pieces of equipment once ran, but have suffered the fate of a blown motor or locked transmission. It costs more $$ to haul them to the salvage yard than you have in your pocket...thus, the phenomenon. A yard car is convenient storage, a way to keep your grass from growing in strategic areas of your yard, and a handy platform when you are grilling or having people over. Doubles as seating. We had at least two or three at all times. Can also be used to chain a yard dog to. Gotta protect your shit that no one wants.

 26 Things I Have Learned:

a. Save money. You're only ever one paycheck away from poverty.
b. People don't mess with crazy. Act crazy, and no one bothers you.
c. OWN that homemade outfit, and wear it with a bullet bra and a hair-bow that looks like a paper towel.(I may have pictures.)
d. Stay away from Carnies.
e. Vacation Bible School is not the same as Summer Camp.
f. If you've got cash, spend it or save it in a coffee can. Don't trust the bank.
g. Do NOT take air-conditioning for granted. I never had it until I was 17.
h. If you throw your rotisserie chicken out with meat still on it, you are a wasteful, shameful person. There are three meals in that chicken!
i. Never blow-dry your hair when the generator is running. Overloads the circuit. (Generator was used A LOT at our house. We didn't have public utilities.)
j. Never underestimate the power of electrical tape, baking soda, and bleach. (Mends frayed cords and holds many things together, cleans your battery terminals on your car, fixes everything else-from poison ivy to anthrax.)
k. Never turn down an honest job. Especially nowadays.
l. Always check for head lice.
m. Perspective: Even if you are very poor, you are still better off than 90% of the people on this earth, because you live in a developed country without diseases like dysentery and polio. Thank the free clinics for that.
n. Be nice to your pets. Spay and neuter. Too many kittens are a problem when you're poor.
o. Give something back, and keep the karma wheel rolling.
p. Family reunions are always a crap shoot. Who is in jail this month?
q. Your brain is the most valuable thing you own, as well as your health. With those two tools, you can go anywhere, do anything.
r. Nothing hurts as much as gathering frozen sheets off the clothesline in January.
s. Every kid loves to play in mud puddles.
t. The library is free. Just don't forget to turn your books in.
u. I am not better than anyone else, and neither are you.
v. Take care of your teeth!
w. Our circumstances don't define us.
x.  Biscuits and gravy are damn good.
y. I want more for my child than I had, but I want her to be rich in love and compassion more than in THINGS and money.
z.  I am not a victim. I am not embarrassed by having been poor, and I am glad I learned the character-defining things that I needed to learn at a young age. Everything I have, while I am certainly not wealthy, I have worked hard for. I'll take that over a silver spoon, any day.