"I wish I could go back and shake myself." There comes a time in your life when we all feel that way. Perhaps it's regret over a missed opportunity; a moment when you wake up and realize that you made a mistake. But did you? Or are you just learning?
Pretty much most of my teens and twenties were spent this way; thinking back over things I had said or done - things which I thought were right at the time and turned out to be bad. Asking Eric R. to the school dance and having him reject me in front of his friends - merely embarrassing. Quitting piano, when I was in the midst of becoming a concert pianist? I still regret that one. That was laziness. I got sick of the Czerny etudes and not having long, beautiful fingernails. My piano teacher made me cut them almost to the quick. I continually rebelled. I was 19, ok?
So, then you hit your thirties, and a light switch goes off. At least, that was my experience. You start looking at your life as something more than the expectations you, or others, held. It's strange. Suddenly, it's not so much about what others think of you. Sure, that should still matter. But you are more rational about it. Does that chick at Village Inn really hate you because you didn't figure her tip correctly, and you left coffee creamer spilled on the table? No. It's kind of a narcissism, really, to think people care that much about what you have said or done. I guarantee they are more wrapped up in their own issues and problems.
So here are some things I have learned as I've gotten older, and maybe you have too:
1. Life is about relationships. It really is. The people who are in our lives, whether by blood or by choice, have incredible influence and importance to us. Do you really think, on your deathbed, that you are going to be thinking about that Prada handbag you should have bought with your income tax return 20 years ago? No, you're going to be thinking about your daughter's first steps, the first time you kissed your future husband or wife, your grandmother coloring with you on the carpet while Andy Griffith flickered on the TV. These memories are the imprint - the things that we are meant to focus on. I can remember feeling devastated when I thought I had lost my best friend in 4th grade. People matter.Work is important, but the people that love us should come first.
2. Do what you love. This goes for work, hobbies, or just rolling down a steep hill on a summer day. At some point, the child that is inside us lost their childhood joy. I know of people who were stuck at a job that they hated for forty years. Why? Money. Money and fear. Why should things that don't matter control us? See above if you think otherwise. Go after what you want. Yes, it may be hard to break those golden handcuffs. It may mean giving up some luxuries that you thought you couldn't live without. But why should your job, your toxic relationship, the boundaries that you have closed around yourself relegate you to a life of quiet despair? Listen to "Ants Marching" by Dave Matthews and you'll see what I mean. He puts it into better words than I.
3. Do something completely unpredictable, and conquer a fear. Whether it's taking a class that you never thought you'd be interested in, going skydiving, or taking a trip somewhere "dangerous", you need this. When I was in my twenties, I was absolutely terrified to drive on a highway. I'm not joking. I would drive every surface street in Springfield to avoid 65 and I-44. One day, when I was 30 years old, I decided I would conquer that fear. I drove all the way to St. Louis with my daughter. I was shaking when I took that entrance ramp. I survived! And then I was pleasantly surprised with how enjoyable the open road was. I went on drives every weekend after that. And now I live for driving in big cities. Nothing is more exhilarating than flying along a highway, with the radio blaring and the wind in your hair. I'm a late bloomer, but when I bloom - watch out!
4. Sexy has nothing to do with what you see in the mirror. It has everything to do with confidence. There's a reason why Ben Franklin was a notorious playboy, after all. The guy had it. Sure, he may have been a bit on the chubby side and losing his hair, but who cares. I have seen this phenomena play out many times. You see the dashingly handsome guy with the plain-jane (to our eyes) girl, or vice versa. You wonder - how did she end up with HIM? The great seducer, Casanova, in his memoirs wrote that it was all in how he made women feel about themselves. It was less about what they saw, and more about how they FELT when they were with him. Ladies, I am telling you, spend less time obsessing over your waistline and your beauty treatments, and cultivate your intellect, your charm, and your sense of humor. How do you think I snagged my guy? It wasn't dumb luck and a Playboy Bunny physique. I challenge him. Oh, and that brings me to my next point:
5. You don't NEED a man. Get the word NEED out of your vocabulary when it comes to romantic relationships. Neediness is the number one turn-off for anyone. The man(or woman) should be the cherry on the top of an otherwise full life. When you get to the point in your life when you are happy and settled being alone, then you will probably meet someone with whom you can share. I see the serial relationship mistake all too often - the fear of a cold bed drives people into the next warm one they can find. I met my current husband after a divorce, two deaths, and a whole two years of cultivating myself. It wasn't easy. There were lots of nights spent wondering if I would play out the rest of my years alone. But I would be damned if I would settle. And then I met the boy who spun my world around, and with whom I could talk about the Fibonacci sequence and Chopin over coffee and who liked salty Irish food. The sundae that was my life became even sweeter.
6. I never knew how much my heart could grow until I was loved by a child. Children aren't for everyone, and I do not judge anyone for not wanting children. Kudos if you know that about yourself . There are also plenty of parents out there who should have been required to take a test before breeding. But for me there is nothing like the intense and complete madness which is unconditional love. I would easily starve, kill, or maim for my daughter. She is the single most important thing in my life, at any moment. Children really do change everything.
When her father died, it threw my world into a terrifying plethora of fears. What if I died? What would happen to her? My health became my most important asset. The frailty and challenges of single motherhood were a hothouse of emotion. In any given day, I was frazzled, laughing my ass off at her antics, and then crying uncontrollably. When she stopped breathing in my arms one cold February night, my whole world felt like it was slipping from my grasp. As it turns out, it was a fever seizure, and a few hours and an ambulance trip to the hospital, she was fine. When you have a child, it's as if your heart has decided to take a merry jaunt outside your body, and isn't coming back anytime soon. It is the most powerful emotion I have ever experienced. I would not trade a carefree life for it, ever.
As I round out the years of my thirties, and await 40 in just three short years, I am very thankful for all of the mistakes I've made, those embarrassing moments, as well as the times when I didn't totally hate myself. I dust off my Czerny etudes every now and then, and listen to my long fingernails clack on the piano keys. I'm in my prime, thank you. And I can't wait to see what the future holds.
