An Irrational Fears Compendium

I'm a quirky individual. You probably have gathered that by now. If you've stuck with me this far, you are possibly OK with that. So, now that I'm in my safe place, I'm going to share some very interesting tidbits about myself. Hopefully you will relate, and feel inspired to share your own irrational fears with others. Sharing is freedom. Especially when we're sharing insane clowns and escalators.

 In no particular order, herein lie my own personal nightmares. Be warned; this could get ugly.


1. Escalators. Don't ever get behind me on an escalator. You WILL be sorry. I will stand there for the amount of time it takes to sing "He's a Yankee-Doodle Dandy, he's a Yankee-Doodle boy" before I mount the magical moving staircase. Yes, I've timed it out.  This doesn't sound like a long time, but it really is. If it's Black Friday at Macy's, I guarantee I will keep you from getting that GREAT deal on the scarf and mittens set for little JoJo. I don't know where this fear came from, but Providence has chosen to grant me with a child who just LOVES escalators. We rode every escalator and people-mover at DFW this summer, simultaneously appeasing her boredom and attempting to conquer my fear. There are A LOT of escalators at DFW. It didn't work. I still fantasize about falling and getting sucked into the mechanism. And losing fingers - that would be bad, bad, bad.

2. Revolving Doors. This was a REAL PROBLEM in New York. These nifty things are everywhere. Sure, with their polished chrome and slick glass they are aesthetically pleasing.  If there is a door next to them, I WILL go through it. Sometimes there is not, and I have to bite the bullet and go for it. I secretly curse the architects of these buildings.  Some doors move fast, some move slow. Some don't move at all, but because they are circular, I don't like them anyway.  I am reminded of the scene in "The Rock" where Sean Connery and Nic Cage are trying to time the fan-blade motion when escaping from Alcatraz. Time that sucker wrong, and it will cut you in half. Yep. I guess I don't like things that make me move. Yet, I run on a treadmill  all the time.  Go figure.  It drives my husband crazy.

3. Clowns.  Lots of people have this one. Who invented clowns, really?? They make babies cry, they are loud and obnoxious, and serial-killers have a predilection toward dressing as them. Maybe it was the movie "It". Maybe it was my abnormal sense of humor. I don't find them funny, or cute. I will cross the road if I see one, especially if it makes eye-contact. F-that!  Mimes? Funny as hell. I have stopped trying to figure myself out.

4. Spontaneous Human Combustion. Every time I drink, I think of this one. It doesn't stop me.  I can't remember if it was an episode of "The Twilight Zone" or some supernatural/unexplained book I tortured myself with as a child, but this has been one of my fears.  Poof! All of a sudden, you're carbon. Usually there is a femur or something left amongst the ashes, but mostly you're gone. Best they can figure, your body becomes saturated with alcohol and flammable. At least I'm not a smoker.

5. The School Dream (Nightmare). Haven't we all had those? I'm 37 years old. Yet I am still known to wake up in a cold sweat, because I've forgotten my locker combination/schedule/test. Or I'm naked. Those are awesome. Another recurring one is the "getting locked in the school at night" scenario. I was WAY too much of an over-achiever in school. I think this carries over into adulthood. The best is ending a semester of college, and realizing you flunked a class because you just "forgot" that you had it. Freak. Like you would forget something you had to pay for.

6. Jack Frost. My dad used to sing  "The Christmas Song" to me when I was little. What a gem of a song, right? Except when your child has a wild imagination. I did not want Jack Frost nipping at my nose, thank you. I envisioned Jack as a sharp-featured fiend with pale skin and pointy teeth. Not unlike the creature in Nosferatu or Christopher Walken. Take your pick. I had a skylight over my bed, and each night in the winter, I would squeeze my eyes shut, just knowing Jack Frost was peering in at me from that skylight, just waiting for his opportunity to strike. Damn Nat King Cole.

So there we have it. If you doubted my insanity, you have zero cause to ever doubt it again, friends. But seriously, we all have our fears.  I have friends who are afraid of zombies, paper-cuts, and Pomeranians. It's part of the human condition.  If you feel like sharing, I would love to hear yours.