Poor: A Memoir

I was VERY poor as a child. There's an art to flipping over couch cushions and cutting open the ends of toothpaste tubes, but I've led a fairly charmed adult life, and only had to do the check-out line "dance of shame" a few times. (You know, where you have to choose the thing you need least from your would-be purchases, and have the cashier put it back.) Here, in no particular order, are the funniest and most poignant memories of my Appalachian childhood - and that's not really an exaggeration, since my dad was born in Tennessee:

1. Speaking of the check-out lane, you haven't lived poor unless you or your mom had to RIIIIP!!! the food-stamps out of the booklet in front of God and everyone. Now, if you've got the nifty EBT card, that's great! It spares you some of the dirty looks and judgment. I was well-fed as a child because of the US government. I am thankful for that every day of my life, and I certainly don't take the fact that I can afford to feed my child without food-stamps for granted. I would if I had to, you better believe it.

2. Gov'ment Cheese. Yes, it exists. It is as yellow-orange as a caution cone, and goes perfectly well with gov'ment pork in a can. Once a month, we'd line up outside a church on the West side of town and wait for our box of goodies. Who knows what was in that meat? Maybe Jimmy Hoffa. The Jimmy Hoffa meat-grinding scare was a big deal in the late 70's. I didn't know what the hell my mom was talking about - I just wanted a burger. I'm also pretty sure I've eaten enough preservative-laden foods in my lifetime I doubt they'll have to embalm me.

3. Shopping at Wal-Mart was SPECIAL.  We got our clothes from one of two places as kids - Grand Oak Mission, or Wal-Mart. (There was that one year we got our back-to-school clothes at Venture. I felt like Princess Di shopping at Harrod's.) We got the Social Security check at the beginning of the month. That was Wal-Mart day. Boy, we felt rich! We felt like the luckiest kids on earth, in fact. We could maybe get a Malibu Barbie or some new shoes. Never both!  My mom would ask the sales girl if they carried "husky" sized jeans for us, because she could afford to buy them. Husky! No, they didn't. No fat girl jeans at Wal-Mart.

4. I learned how to thrift shop from being poor. We got some GREAT things at the Mission. Like my super awesome 70's disco jumpsuit. Chubby girls shouldn't wear onesies. That didn't stop me! We could stuff an entire trash bag full of donated clothing, and it only cost a couple dollars. My favorite part of the Mission was the free magazines and books. I got lots of Readers' Digests there. Our biggest fear was seeing someone we knew from school at the Mission. Then logic clicked in, just like it does for every guy who has ever been to a strip club and worried about someone from work being there. "Hey asshole, you're here too! I got your back! Shhhh!"

5. 5-Gallon buckets are good for many things. Here is a list!
a. Catching water from your leaking roof that your dad never could fix right.
b. Flushing the toilet when the pipes freeze.
c. For cleaning fish after a day at the lake.
d. Puke bucket!
e. Ummm...emergency toilet.
f. Carrying ashes from our ancient Ben Franklin stove.
g. All this and MORE.

 6. The Joy of a Welfare Christmas. Yes, it IS real. THIS is what you got:

7. Yard Cars.  If you do not know what this is, then I'm sorry, you're missing out! These fine pieces of equipment once ran, but have suffered the fate of a blown motor or locked transmission. It costs more $$ to haul them to the salvage yard than you have in your pocket...thus, the phenomenon. A yard car is convenient storage, a way to keep your grass from growing in strategic areas of your yard, and a handy platform when you are grilling or having people over. Doubles as seating. We had at least two or three at all times. Can also be used to chain a yard dog to. Gotta protect your shit that no one wants.

 26 Things I Have Learned:

a. Save money. You're only ever one paycheck away from poverty.
b. People don't mess with crazy. Act crazy, and no one bothers you.
c. OWN that homemade outfit, and wear it with a bullet bra and a hair-bow that looks like a paper towel.(I may have pictures.)
d. Stay away from Carnies.
e. Vacation Bible School is not the same as Summer Camp.
f. If you've got cash, spend it or save it in a coffee can. Don't trust the bank.
g. Do NOT take air-conditioning for granted. I never had it until I was 17.
h. If you throw your rotisserie chicken out with meat still on it, you are a wasteful, shameful person. There are three meals in that chicken!
i. Never blow-dry your hair when the generator is running. Overloads the circuit. (Generator was used A LOT at our house. We didn't have public utilities.)
j. Never underestimate the power of electrical tape, baking soda, and bleach. (Mends frayed cords and holds many things together, cleans your battery terminals on your car, fixes everything else-from poison ivy to anthrax.)
k. Never turn down an honest job. Especially nowadays.
l. Always check for head lice.
m. Perspective: Even if you are very poor, you are still better off than 90% of the people on this earth, because you live in a developed country without diseases like dysentery and polio. Thank the free clinics for that.
n. Be nice to your pets. Spay and neuter. Too many kittens are a problem when you're poor.
o. Give something back, and keep the karma wheel rolling.
p. Family reunions are always a crap shoot. Who is in jail this month?
q. Your brain is the most valuable thing you own, as well as your health. With those two tools, you can go anywhere, do anything.
r. Nothing hurts as much as gathering frozen sheets off the clothesline in January.
s. Every kid loves to play in mud puddles.
t. The library is free. Just don't forget to turn your books in.
u. I am not better than anyone else, and neither are you.
v. Take care of your teeth!
w. Our circumstances don't define us.
x.  Biscuits and gravy are damn good.
y. I want more for my child than I had, but I want her to be rich in love and compassion more than in THINGS and money.
z.  I am not a victim. I am not embarrassed by having been poor, and I am glad I learned the character-defining things that I needed to learn at a young age. Everything I have, while I am certainly not wealthy, I have worked hard for. I'll take that over a silver spoon, any day.