Single girls, listen up. There are archetypes. Archetypes in literature (think the fairy-princess Cinderella story); archetypes in country music (dog, truck, Coors); and archetypes in film (girl meets bad boy, ignores nice boy - regret ensues.) There are also archetypical bar men. While I don't miss the dating scene, many of you are in it. Let me just say, I technically met my current husband in a bar - after being set up. He is not here, on this list. MOST decent boyfriends are not on this list, although there are exceptions! While sitting and discussing men with a single friend at a ballgame last night, the inspiration to write this blog emerged like a wisp of...something. If you are navigating the landscape of the Saturday night bar-scene, you will begin to see a pattern emerge.
1. The Douche Bag - DB for short.
DB is convinced that he is the hottest thing in Abercrombie and/or Hollister. He works out 6 days a week, with the 7th reserved for hangover recovery and tanning. He may be identified by his knowing smirk, and the lift of his cleft chin when you walk in the door. Other monikers include: player, manwhore, ladies' man, and "triflin' good-for-nothin type of brother." Thank you Destiny's Child. You may be deemed "lucky" enough to be acknowledged by the DB if you look desperate and hot. DBs travel in packs - sometimes pairs, and they are always the loudest group at the bar. A good way to fend off the advances of the DB are to claim that your STD panels checked out THIS TIME, and you're ready to go! Since they have a horde gallivanting across their bedsheets, DBs are terrified of STDs. Don't make the mistake of thinking you're gonna change him. This guy has an attention span the length of his pinky finger.
2. Newly Divorced Guy
This guy can be recognized by his over-eager smile, his wardrobe that would've looked hot 15 years ago (when he last dated), and his brave attempts at clever conversation which fail - hard.
Some friends and I encountered NDG just a couple weeks ago. We had gone to see THAT movie, featuring a certain, ahem, dance revue. We decided to pop into the pub for a beer afterward. NDG approached us, stealthily, from the side. Now, this takes moxie. Approaching a group of women is difficult - good for you dude. Then, it all quickly goes pear-shaped for him. "I just got divorced!" he says cheerily. Oh geez. Red-flag number one. Then he asks us (as there are 4 of us) - "Is this like Sex and the City?!" His perky comparison DOES give us a giggle. All women are SATC fans, pretty much. He takes this as a cue to RUN WITH IT, and starts trying to figure out "which" character we are. I make it easy for him, and say - "The bitchy one." We leave shortly after. I think he's still confused as to why.
3. The Wallflower
Ok, I was once in this category myself, so I have a tender place in my chest for the socially-awkward guy at a bar. Sometimes, young hipster boys fall into this category. It may appear to be sullenness or snobbery, but mostly it is just the inability to maintain eye-contact with someone of the female persuasion. Perhaps with some coaxing, WF COULD become good boyfriend material. He probably is there with a wing-man, against his will. He may be dressed in an ironic t-shirt, or somewhat overdressed for the occasion - like an undertaker. If you are at a karaoke bar, he will sing something sweetly sentimental. Sounds pretty good, right? Bad news - this guy has potential stalker written all over him. He will send you poems by John Donne and flowers - EVERY DAY. Tread lightly here.
4. Married Guy
Ugh. They are so good at hiding it. They really are. I mean, what's the catch? This guy is good-looking, smart, likes kids, AND you find all of this out in the length of time you can finish your caramel appletini. If he's dumb, he tans, and you can see the marks of his wedding band (could also be a sign of NDG, but without the awkward convo starter). Most of them aren't that dumb. This is the biggest pitfall out there for a single girl. They have perfected the puppy-dog look, and your conversation sounds like something out of a blockbuster chick flick. That is, until his wife walks into your work with eyes like daggers and you figure out that you aren't a girlfriend, you're a mistress. If you're a mistress, you don't meet his friends, you don't go to public places, and he has two cell phones. If the dude wears pleated pants, be suspicious. Watch this guy - and always trust your gut. Being a home-wrecker isn't as sexy as it sounds - you're not Angelina Jolie, and there are lots of people who could be hurt here. As soon as you find out, ditch him like that pair of stilettos that look good, but kill your feet. Not worth it. Take it from one who knows, all too well.
5. The Bartender
Danger! The script for a successful bartender is:
a. Ability to mix a killer drink.
b.Ability to talk to anyone.
d. Flirting = tips. They are pros. Plus, they are in control of something you want: booze. It's not the first time they've seen a well-formed rack, honey. This guy is the "it" guy at the bar. Watch out! He may be cute, but he is well aware of that fact - in a self-effacing way which women find irresistible.
That's the quick and dirty list of the typical breeds you will find at your local watering hole. While you may get lucky and find a nice, normal guy NOT listed in the DSM IV criteria at an establishment that serves Delirium Tremens, it's pretty rare. Please drink, and date, responsibly.
No comments:
Post a Comment