How Awkward

We all have them. Those moments when you want to pull your coat over your head, and lurch off like Quasimodo. Sure, you may have been blessed with a charismatic personality and good looks, but I am still willing to bet that you've had toilet-paper stuck to your shoe at least once. Now, even the most self-assured are serving up their embarrassing moments - from Olivia Wilde admitting her geekdom to Jane Lynch farting on "Glee," awkward is the new black. I have experienced many of these moments, and have learned it's best to laugh. And then hide.

1. Right Text, Wrong Person, and the Auto-Correct Fail.

There is an entire website dedicated to this. Accidental texts run the gamut from the "blqytuiuipos" butt text to your boss, to the sext meant for your boyfriend that gets sent to your mom. Most of these are just funny. But sometimes, you are venting to a friend about another friend, and get confused about which one you are talking to. This one is bad. One should never use technology to talk about other people on your favorites list.  Do so at your own risk!

2. Hugs Gone Wrong

Hugs are a socially acceptable form of greeting someone, right? Well...maybe. Most of the time, hugs go well.  But, when they go wrong it is so, so BAD. You might come in too fast, and bump heads. Maybe the person doesn't like you and doesn't hug back. Or maybe you like them, but you forget to hug back, and now you feel bad. How do you apologize for that one? "Hey man, I'm sorry I forgot to hug you back. Arms aren't working today." Yeah. Don't. When in doubt, go for the Pentecostal Side-Hug. For those of you NOT from the Bible-belt, this is the hug that church people do. You hug from the side, squeezing just around the shoulders, similar to when Can-Can girls get ready to do the leg-kick thing. This minimizes the contact zone, and keeps your thoughts chaste in the process. Gotta leave room for God in the middle. 

3. Falling in Public
 Here's the thing: if you're clumsy, this is gonna happen, over and over again for the rest of your life. Get up as quickly as possible, looking around and smiling as if you did it on purpose. If you're really feeling chipper, and know nothing is broken, do a quick mid-air heel click. That'll make them think you were just rehearsing for "Singing in the Rain." Try to ignore the blood. I once lost an entire toenail in the grocery store. I kept smiling. Send in the Clowns, baby.

4. Shopping Mishaps

Mostly there are two things that happen when the socially awkward shop. The first is not seeing anything you want to buy at a boutique, yet feeling bad about not making a purchase. This is coupled with the fear that people will think you stole something. So, with crazy darting eyes and body-language  like Snidely Whiplash, you creep out, hoping the sensors don't go off. Now, you are so worked up and concerned that the security guard is right behind you on his Segway, that you have forgotten where you parked. Yep. Fake it, as getting frantic will add to your aura of guilt. Hold that head up and walk with confidence. You'll find your car eventually, right? You may even get lucky and fall in the parking lot.

5. Laughing at Inappropriate Times

Yeah...this is the thing I do the most. I am that person sitting by herself in the waiting room, laughing out loud and scaring people. All it takes is a random thought about something funny I watched or read to get me going again.Or I'm the only one laughing in a movie when everyone else is somber. Or someone is telling a really serious story in the background, and I am laughing at a stupid meme on the computer. Shopping carts rolling by themselves or the Head Crabs video will  make me bust a gut. What the hell is wrong with me. Moving on...

6. Reply All 
I really shouldn't have to explain this one much. But it's in the same vein as Number 1 up there. If you're gonna talk shit, probably best not to hit "reply all," mmmkay? Plus it makes you completely obnoxious, just like people who forward spam like: "SEND THIS TO TEN FRIENDS OR WHETTLE SEALS WILL CHEW YOUR EYELIDS OFF" Also, please stop using all-caps. And don't use Comic Sans for an obituary. People judge you for those things.

7. Those 3 Little Words

You hang up the phone, and all color drains from your face. You just told the principal at your daughter's school that you, gasp, love him. But you don't! You're so used to saying it to your husband, your mom, your cat. The dude is married. His wife works at the school. You have to go to open house in three days. Fuuuuu..... Disappear to Mexico. Now. 

8. Saying "Thank-You" when you get a ticket.

Why do we do this? Really?

9. Pretending You Know it All

This one is a recipe for disaster. It usually happens when you fall in love with someone. You are so anxious to impress them, that you fib about having already seen a movie, or about having read "Anna Karenina" or about being an opera singer. Normal people shouldn't lie. Socially awkward people definitely shouldn't, because the gods of humility will come after you, full-on like a linebacker. 

10. Snot. This one needs no explanation. 

The most ironic lesson I've learned from all of this humiliation is confidence. Being the biggest dork in the bunch has made me own my humanity and be OK with my many failures. We all screw up. Owning up to your mistakes, and realizing that most of the time, no one even noticed in the first place is really a gift. The best thing you can do is to shake it off, get up... and run to the closest costume shop to buy a mask. 

Things Men Don't Have to Deal With

 "I just don't understand!" 

Sometimes being a girl isn't all about pretty trinkets, ruffly dresses, and pastel coconut macaroons. It gets ugly. There are things we envy about you guys - things that you probably aren't even aware of. (NO, it isn't what you're thinking, so get your mind outta the gutter.) Mostly what we envy is what you DON'T have to deal with. This could get a little gross, so keep that in mind. 

1. Putting on Spanx and/or Tights, especially after a shower. 

I dried off.  REALLY WELL. I swear I did. Yet, I find myself contorting into all kinds of weird positions and breathing heavily and sweating. I tug, pull, twist, take it off, and do it all over again. I know I burn more calories in the 4 x 3 shower stall at the gym than I do during 30 minutes on the elliptical. Finally, success! All chub is put in its place, and I have a lean line in the mirror. And then I feel it. The waistband rollllllls back down over my belly, and I now have a nice muffin-top sitting on the waistline of my pencil skirt. Sexy. Start again.

2. Tampons on the Lam

OK - there are two categories of this. The first is when you are carrying them around before you need them for your womanly time. Every woman I know has had the embarrassing tampon moment. Usually it happens in front of men, of course! My last event was when I tripped up the stairs at my daughter's school, sending my purse flying. The contents were distributed at the feet of the confused male school janitor. One item was my birth-control pills, and the other was a tampon, which had magically migrated out of its oh-so-clever bright pink camouflage package. Why do tampons do this? Why do they turn on us? They are supposed to be a helpful invention. Yet, they strive to break free and show themselves to the world. Maybe they're just tired of being taken for granted.

Which brings me to the other scenario: The Missing Tampon. Dunh-Dunh-Dunh! (Scary suspenseful sound clip insert). TMT will happen to you eventually, trust me. You put it in, you know you did. But it isn't there anymore. Perhaps you had a few too many adult beverages the night before, and don't remember taking it out. But where did it go? Maybe it is stuck to the bottom of your shoe, or on the sidewalk somewhere, or even worse-maybe it has SOMEHOW migrated to your abdominal cavity. You are terrified to put another in, for fear of the dreaded Toxic Shock Syndrome. People die of that! You make a frantic call to your doctor. She tells you one of two things: it's still in there and she's gonna have to fetch it out, or you're stupid and you are wasting her time.(Not really, but that's how you feel.) Damn you, tampons.

Poor Eva

3. Boobs

We know you men love boobs. Boobs are great. They're a nice shape, they feed babies, they save the world. But did you know that they can really piss you off? Yes! Boobs CAN do that. For one thing, if you are well-endowed, they become a shelf that catches food. Not a week goes by that I don't spill some kind of food item on my girls. Usually someone else points it out. They also hurt sometimes, especially when you run without proper support, or you have too much salt and caffeine. They leak when you are breast-feeding, and finding a properly fitting bra is like finding the Holy Grail - elusive and expensive. The straps dig into your shoulders, and the underwire pokes out to stab you repeatedly. Don't even get me started on strapless bras and the quadra-boob. Also, finding a shirt that doesn't gap, but that fits you everywhere else is fun, only the opposite. I know that some men have moobs - perhaps these are the men who can sympathize. Otherwise, you just don't get it. 

4. Back Fat

Enough said. Combine an ill-fitting bra and tights that continually roll down, and even the slimmest girl has this problem. 

5. THE YEARLY EXAM

I won't go into details here. I know guys have to do the bend-over-and-cough routine. But let me just say, the paper gown and sheet dance is no fun. There are scary instruments, cold hands, and antiseptic fragrance. And oven mitts. 

 I like being female, don't get me wrong. There are the ponytails and shoes, the trips to Sephora, and the excitement over wedding and baby showers. I like wearing dresses and skirts. But acting like a lady is hard work, and sometimes I just wanna burp in public, wear swishy pants, and not cross my legs.